Lording Genitals Over the World (A Comparative Analysis of Orion and Me)
December 15th, 2025
I was walking home from the station at 11PM last night. My city is quite rural and you can see the stars clearly. I looked up in the night sky and, as I often do, I looked to spot Orion.
I can always spot Orion by his belt. His belt is a series of three stars that tell me where his midsection is. We all know what is beneath that glittery belt, the darkness may obscure, but boy does that nebulous void leave a lot to be imagined if you know what I mean.
Last night as I was walking home, I could see, not only his belt, but his entire body in full detail. Every star of his constellation is visible. It made me wonder about his experience up there: “What is it like to constantly have your full body displayed to the world below?” “Does he get some sort of narcissistic masculine pleasure from lording his whole body constantly over everyone beneath?"
Maybe I am just projecting my own self-conscious narcissistic thoughts on to his experience, but after all he is incesssantly standing over the world beneath. I then began to dwell on the experience I have of going to a 19th floor public bath in the nearby big city.
I often go to this 19th floor onsen on the weekends with a friend. The price is 2000 yen (about 15 US dollars). It has two outdoor baths that overlook the entire city. One is carbonated and the other is a bit hotter (no bubbles). There are also two saunas: one dry and one steam. From the dry one there is also a window view of the city. Near the upstairs outdoor baths there is also a balcony that looks down on one of the main intersections. This intersection is next to the busy station of the city.
Several times, back when I had more recently moved to the city, I would look up (sensing a gaze from above) and see men’s naked silhouette standing on the 19th floor onsen balcony. I would look up at them, only able to make out their bare skin and general nude figure. I could not see any of the specifics of their nude form (like their penis or nipples for instance). So after that, I yearned to become one of those men. One of those men at the onsen that stands out on the balcony and looks down on the world. These men lord their naked, amorphous forms over the city. And as a cis-man who obsessively gets penis envy and jealous of other powerful men, I new I had to go join their ranks by going to this 19th floor onsen
I have, since these initial immature desires a couple months ago, been able to achieve my dream of becoming a constellation, of becoming Orion up on the 19th floor of the onsen. I now stood nude and looked down on the people walking in the busy intersection below. It’s interesting because you realize that these people below mostly don’t care about you. They don’t really look up and even when they do they can’t see much. You can barely make out where they are looking or what they are wearing from 200 feet above.
So maybe this is what Orion feels. He is mostly ignored, too far away to be understood. However, in the distance between the viewer and him, there is the ability to imagine the specifics of his unknown body, to project the fantasies of a measly egotistical mortal being from below.
Stay Pink,
Aidia
Clarifying and sharing
December 11th, 2025
I feel a bit of need to clarify my use of the word “erotic” in the last blog post. I was sitting in the car and sort of thinking about if it is an accurate description, and I think I like it. But, it does come with some very overt sexual overtones. Let’s look at how I used it.
“ when you are discovering this new realm of possibility (in the never-before-heard vocaloid performance), not only is your understanding of vocal ability changed, all of the other ideas that are related also become charged with the possibility of change, of reconception. I think this is the crux of creative eroticism. There are all new sorts of possibilities possible, not only conceptually but also bodily, in your world now that you have engaged with this art or media. You are opened up and have this feeling of excitement within you to pounce. You are brim-full of erotic possibility....
For me, when starting to date someone or start a new sexual relationship there is this intense building of intensity. It’s a combination of trepidation and excitement. I think as you bring in a new person into your life and you guys start to connect in new kinds of ways through sexual interaction but also just going on dates and the like, you get shaken up. You change. I think that is the sort of erotic creative energy I feel when words take on different meanings (as described in the quote above). I get that kind of excitement. All of these new possibilities occur in my world and how I have previously understood things. Lets go explore. Maybe this is also the crux of the erotic. To feel really good you need to first feel comfortable to be vulnerable. I think this is the same for creative exploration. You need to feel like you have a safe space of viewers who you understand enough to make your first steps into this new realm of meaning. Maybe that’s the creative eroticism I am talking about.
Well, thanks for indulging that. In other news, my friend Funmi wrote a beautiful poem about our friend group’s various moments shared. Here is an excerpt I found particularly beautiful and remarkable:
You wish you had met the photographer that night when you all gathered like dust to the seashore in a moldy apartment in London
He would be the one who keeps you grounded in memories
That you often cage in the silver linings of your mind-cloud
But he will be the fastest wind to breeze past
Like a cat that dies but lives on in earth tones.
Earth. Grass. Wind. Weed.
Here is an image of a cat plushy randomly sitting in a tree outside of the station before a day trip-drinking tour I did for the local tax office this past weekend:
We were joking on the bus about how this is proof that god exists: the fact that this random plushy was staring at us from this random tree where our bus randomly decided to park. I wonder about all the things he has seen. Maybe he is like that cat that dies and becomes Earth, maybe this is a random station attendant who loved looking at all the people. Instead of turning into earth, grass, and wind or weeds, he turned into a little plushy in a tree.
Stay Pink
Aidia
Thoughts on my website
December 4th, 2025
Here are some thoughts I wrote down thinking about what I am trying to achieve by having this specific website aesthetic and maybe future plans for it.
What I am drawn to is how in the presence of the digital it often feels at the expense of ecosystems. For example, the housing of data centers or ai processing using fuck tons of water and electricity that can devastate local water resources and human communities. Neocities as a movement tends to offset some of this as we generally advocate for not using big tech cloud usage and having things stored locally. There is also a big push for decentralizing the internet. So there are some overlaps there. But, I think I am drawn to user's (the main user of my website being myself) experiencing a sort of spiritual awe akin to being in a forest by being on a digital platform. I think of this awe in a kind of Thoreau sense where in the small details there are whole worlds growing. That seems to be the case all the time in the forest but also on a website.
You dig underneath the rock of an element and there is a world of code that uniquely interacts with the other code (or rocks) of the website. Then this is maximised by the literal overwhelming awe that can be experienced in the digital world as there are so many moving parts (just like a forest when there is a bit of wind). This also all ties back in to my current research on how anthropomorphic art encourages viewers to dispel human/nature hierarchies. Can certain media and fan activities that are chronically online somehow lead to viewers more empathetically living with their more-than-human surroundings and own bodies? I think this is what I am trying to get at with my website....
I also think this space of dispelling or questioning human/nature binaries is highly creative as lots of meaning is unsettled. Like, before hearing a vocaloid voice break the register you assumed were possible in human song (or looking at the gaze of an anthropomorphic character), you have preconceptions. But then when you are discovering this new realm of possibility (in the never-before-heard vocaloid performance), not only is your understanding of vocal ability changed, all of the other ideas that are related also become charged with the possibility of change, of reconception. I think this is the crux of creative eroticism. There are all new sorts of possibilities possible, not only conceptually but also bodily, in your world now that you have engaged with this art or media. You are opened up and have this feeling of excitement within you to pounce. You are brim-full of erotic possibility....
To conclude, I think this is what I seek in bringing together concepts that feel far apart (like nature and the digital). Because, if you do, if you successfully get someone to feel a new sort of way because they discover a previously unseen relationship between two disparate things, then you can give them this sort of creative energy to then reconceptualize their world.
Stay Pink,
Aidia
Accomplishment!
December 4th, 2025
Ahhh, to break up the monotony of the work week, I have the fortunate opportunity to come to Oita city on a Thursday night. Tomorrow is an English camp in the nearby big city of Beppu. In order to get their a bit faster and not have to make the hour and a half drive in the morning I am crashing at a friend's place tonight. We decided, after eating a fat omerice, to crush some mai mai circle (supposedly you burn 200 calories an hour according to a basic google search). After crushing mai mai for about thirty minutes... the unbelievable happened
I achieved my first full clear. I must say I was ecstatic. The screen lit up this radiant gold. Their was a new dopamine triggering animation and I unlocked the master level of the song. Not only was this a full clear but is on one of the most recent teto masterpieces by Sasuke Haraguchi. This song is titled Medicine or 医学. goated as hell. Like he really mixes the inhuman, over the top, glitchy qualities of vocaloid production to make absolute groovy bops. So you can imagine my little butt dancing as I full cleared this song, can't you?
Hope you are all having a lovely week. It has recently gotten cold here so I hope you are all cozy ;3
Stay Pink,
Aidia
Local oddities
December 1st, 2025
So yesterday I finally climbed my local shrine’s mega-long staircase. Boy, was it worth it. This place has the biggest Japanese maple tree I have ever seen in my life! The boy is so thick. It’s also quite cool. The tree makes this brilliant, lofty canopy of mult-colored fall maple leaves.
Here is a photo
Also, for some reason right next to it is this super rinky dink cute little shrine….. Which has an old microwave oven. Now, why is their a microwave over up on topo of this 300 elevation shrine with no electricity anywhere in sight? I dont know but I sure do love the mystery of someone hauling up a microwave a couple hundred stairs to enrich the local shrine.
Here is a photo of that
I have done some sleuthing around the internet and discovered that the microwave was not there four years ago… So someone within the last four years put it there… What does it mean? Maybe that will be the singular god I decide to worship when I do my little walks around the town.
The shrine is for fushimi inari (hence the little fox statues you see in the photo above). However, the shrine’s name is one thing. This reference’s how at this particular shrine they encourage you to only wish for one thing (rather than numerous). Quite a cute story.
Stay pink,
Aidia
Cold from the Warmth
November 27th, 2025
Okay, so today’s weather was splendid. It is the peak of the fall foliage. A slightly turgid wind is coming through the town. Little bouts of radiant leaves falling greeted me throughout the day. I went to the onsen after work and went to the outside bath.
Queue the sensual descriptions of wind
Boy, did this dry cold breeze, while sitting in the outdoor hot bath, feel like large slabs of ice chips gently cascading against my body. But, my body was a warm obsidian rock that gently melted the ice. Something about feeling this gentle cold from inside a warm bath outside felt so good. The dry, night, fall air really felt good entering my body and caressing it from the inside out. The juxtaposition of my moist, hot, old-prune skin-soaked body meeting and taking in the cold, dry (like a fallen fall leaf) atmosphere, mmmmmmm.
Stay pink,
Aidia
Brief reflection on vocaloid aesthetics
November 26th, 2025
In the case of vocaloid music. My friend pointed out that in typical singing when a human vocalist hits a super high note, often the aesthetic associations are transcendental. It gives us this sense of power and soaring to new height.
However, vocaloids being not real human voices means they can inhumanely accomplish crazy things with their voice. Often this can be done intentionally by the producer. Here, the stressing of the vocaloid's voice beyond human limits is no longer transcendent but reference to its synthetic difference (between the human listener and the machine singer). I think there are different moments where producers take this aesthetic difference to be more about the vocaloid not being human or "real."
In regards to this, I would highly recommend Po-uta's Humansongs. This song dwells on Po-uta's (Porter Robinson's vocaloid) experience being a machine made by a human. This machine's best friend or creator is a human (Porter Robinson) and the vocaloid wants to get closer to the experience of being human to better understand its creator (maybe even continue on the creator's desires after the creator dies) and in general what the vocaloid is trying to mimic. There are lyrics where the vocaloid is trying to learn how to cry, or merely just speak to articulate feelings of love and emotion for its creator (and listener?). However, the vocaloid doesn't only just love or want to better understand the human. The vocaloid also recognizes how it will persist long after the human who created it. It can sing forever carrying on the message of its originator, or can it? This central relationship of human and human-like machines and its related tragic, sad, poignant quality is aesthetically drummed up to really make this specific song. Highly recommend it.
Here is a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqTq1P6y70Q
Many other vocaloid producers take this unique opportunity of the vocaloid being able to achieve crazy vocal feats to make their music reach previously unheard domains. This spawns the crazy hyper subgenres of vocaloid that are super maximalist and crazy--often quite over stimulating. Yet, there is this new composer who is all the rage right now in the vocaloid world named Sasuke Haraguchi. His music often uses this one vocaloid named Teto (who I am seeing in April, can't wait). I am super into his song Medicine right now. He uses the distinct aesthetics and fried quality of vocaloid to make some utter danceable bops that seem less concerned with the emotional quandary of difference interacting (human-machine stuff that Porter is into) and more into the new aesthetic, beautiful possibilities. Check that song out here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F38EuG2dAyM&list=RDF38EuG2dAyM&start_radio=1&pp=ygUNbWVkaWNpbmUgdGV0b6AHAQ%3D%3D
I also have the wonderful opportunity to watch the utau vocaloid singer Teto live in Tokyo. I discovered Teto about a year ago listening to the wonderful Jamie Paige. I am completely in awe of their use of Teto’s English voice bank. Further looking into Teto upon becoming very good friends with a Teto fan upon moving to Japan, I discovered how she operates differently than the vocaloid owned Hatsune Miku. Basically, Vocaloid is a third party software that costs hundreds of dollars to legally use whereas Teto belongs to the UTAU software that is free to use for all.
If you have seen my commentaries on Takashi Murakami scattered throughout this website, I tend to be anti commodity culture. Staking up the value of something through placing one’s name on it and severely controlling its copyright. Here, vocaloid is more of the Takashi Murakami and Teto and UTAU are open-access free for all to use in their music and songs. Interestingly, Teto’s likeness can be freely used in any non-commercial setting with no limits.
I think it would be cool to install this shareware and set up some audio elements to this website…
With digital love, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxzBvqY5PP0
Stay pink,
Aidia
First Chikuraku!
November 23rd, 2025
What a beautiful festival. I continually fall deeper in love with this city I call my new home: Taketa! It's a lovely place with this lovely festival called Chikuraku. It is quite simple. They put a shit ton of candles in cut bamboo on the all of the pretty spots in the city. We have a lovely hilly old city with lots of cute shrines. Here are some photos:
In one they spelled out the kanji for the festival 竹楽: meaning "easily enjoying the bamboo" or more literally "bamboo relaxation". The festival organizers definetely achieve this as there is a long walking trail of the lights with many different spots, lots of yummy food stalls, and other stores. Something that has really been making me think as I have gone to this event three nights in a row is inevitably seeing many couples in love, holding hands, smitten with each other in front of the lights. Now.... I am in a long distance relationship here and he is coming soon so maybe that's why I am feeling particularly sensitive to seeing some PDA. Like, love is just quite beautiful and sooooooo vulnerable and painful. It makes us feel so intensely and desperately. Don't you think there is an inevitable pain to love that makes it so beautiful and poignant? One day it will end, in break up, in death. The ending will almost certainly come and one will be left alone. Clinging to each other for warmth is a great thing in front of these lanterns... Do we have enough space in our hearts for all of this?
Thank you for humoring my adolescent ponderings.
Stay pink,
Aidia
Another day
November 21st, 2025
So there is this teacher at the school I work at. What a wonderful character. He has a perfect bowl cut, constantly walks around with his butt clenched and is always muttering to himself. His desk smells like old canned coffee and he has tons of postcards from Attack on Titan and other slightly edgy manga on his desk. He is always just barely in time for the morning staff meeting and I see him sprinting through the cold morning air with his clenched buttocks towards the school's entrance. All of the students hate him. He rules his English classes with an iron fist, constantly demanding silence, focus, and continued study.
Needless to say, me being the nosy, bored, desk worker who works in the same office as him, I have my theories about why he is the way he is. My first theory is that he is gay. Lol, I have noticed a trend in my life where I tend to think every man in my life is gay. My dearest friend pointed this out to me, but in this case it kind of adds up. Actually, it doesn’t. He just gives off that vibe to me (I say this as a gay man).
Maybe he has been closeted his whole life and takes out all of the stress–of holding this secret inside, out on his students and it also manifests in his frequent frenzied state. His English is also the lowest of any of the teachers and he often asks me to help him check his tests for the correct answers and even he can’t do them super well. So this is another reason he may be high strung. He seems to be teaching a subject that doesn’t bring him joy and, in fact, potentially exacerbates his complex of compensating. He always has to hide his gayness, always has to hide and cover up his difficulty speaking English…
He is such an interesting person in my life and he paints such a strong image in my everyday work life I had to share my naive thoughts.
Stay pink,
Aidia
A discovery
November 19th, 2025
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you my god
I recently discovered this bible verse on an overpriced shirt at an American vintage store at a local mall. I am sad to announce I did not buy it because it was 4000 yen and also was a women’s small. But, I do have a photo to attest to our chance meeting
Let me introduce why I like this bible verse. It is a beautiful image. The thirsty deer, in the cold winter, where there has been little rainfall, pants–emitting bits of steam from its mouth– as it searches for some fresh water. It is interesting here that the worshipper of Christ is personified as a deer and god is the refreshing water source.
I personally love it for the physicality of the description. The idea of an animal, specifically a deer panting in thirst for a higher being is so desirous. So desirous in such a physical way. Am I crazy for reading into the sexual undertones; this base desire to be sated, to have one’s thirst quenched by the divine liquid of god?! His stream?!
Yeah, I mean I read nearly everything as rather sexual so excuse me, but it is safe to say I am the deer panting out of thirst for divine union.Typically, in my imagination this is ecstatic experiences I have ogling at attractive anime men to some sort of rhythm game music. This description checks the boxes of it being a divine ecstatic union I often associate with the language of “being saved” in the Christian context I grew up.
However, if I think about this image a bit more, specifically the deer panting for water, it is a bit more mundane. Often, the stream where I find my little water break has recently been music, a nice walk (the fall colors are gorgeous right now), or finishing a book.
Hope you are all doing well out there <3
Stay pink,
Aidia
Fall energies
November 13th, 2025
I have fully settled into my job here in Taketa City Japan. I sit at a high school everyday. I go to the same place and do a very similar routine each day. In this sameness and ritual there is so much room to observe all of the changes that occur in the world outside. I arrived here in summer and seeing the chilly descent into autumn has been quite powerful and definetely matches my mood as of late. As I have gotten more chill, as I have passed the honey moon stage of living in Japan again, it is lovely to see the world get chilly, grey, and a bit dead. But, in this death, the occasionally radiant, deathly bright scattered colors of trees saving water for the coming winter feel like my kindred companions. I am sory of picking and choosing where to put my energies. How to fit in the circumstances of my job, finances, and, therefore, the amount of freetime I have and ability to travel/see the world.
I hope to be a bit more active on neocities soon, especially in sharing some of my academic work to a decidedly less academic audience.
Stay pink,
Aidia
A little thought and slice of life
February 11th, 2025
So… I recently beat my own highscore of Silver Beat on my local Pump it up! Machine. A big deal and I know you are all screaming in delight upon reading this news. You can see my accomplishment above…
I don’t think there is anything better delight than loud music, flashing lights, and movement. This trifecta comes together in dance rhythm games but also when we go to concerts and anime convention raves (peep my Louis cosplay from this past weekend). I never can seem to get over my quest for sublime integration with media. There is a selfless love that brings people together to play Pump It Up, to go to the anime convention, and to come together in the local gay club. When we gather together and thrash our sweaty bodies around, stumble awkwardly through half-chewn phrases, and desperately make eye-contact to know we aren’t alone, we are greeted with these same actions surrounding us–born of love for anime, a good time, and a hunt for meaning.
Warmest pink tones,
Aidia
Community Fan-Art Exhibition Call for Submissions!
July 6th, 2024
So, dear Neo-Netizens I am calling in a favor: me and a friend are putting on a fanart exhibition at our local public library and need your help to make it happen!
Our goal with this exhibition is to celebrate the vibrant creations of fanartists in our community and online. This genere of works are often not shown or exhibited in public spaces due to fanart often not being considered as "serious" or "fine art" by art institutions. Fortunately, the library is a space that contains collections of graphic novels, manga, and comics and a space of community gathering where we have the opportunity to showcase amazing creations inspired by these genres of books. The library does not discriminate and encourages free engagement with information, knowledge, and creation. If you would like to have your fanart displayed for a wider audience, please consider submitting to our show. The deadline for submission is July 26th.
Above is the Call for Submissions (danmei themed). As part of the Fan-Art exhibition we wanted to include a section of fanworks from online communities to discuss how almost any fan will have both a physical presence in local/in-person communities and online. To accomplish this we humbly asking for submissions from a myriad of digital communites including Neocities :)
If you are a creator of any kind of artwork inspired by manga (or subsequent anime adaptations), comics, or graphic novels, please consider submitting any of your work. Specifically, digital drawings, fanfiction, cosplay photography, or any medium are accepted for submission. Your works will be displayed in our public library with other fanartists from Tuscaloosa Alabama in the U.S.
In many ways Neocities vibrant communities of fan-artists directly inspired our idea to celebrate local fanart in the library. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to email me at acmilesjamison@crimson.ua.edu
Gangbang~ Pump it up!
July 1st, 2024
If you know me irl then you know I have a chronic, desperate inclination to travel to the arcade. Swiping my arcade card, I am greeted by Pump It Up's exclamation:" G A N G B A N G. "
No matter the hundreds of times I have heard this phrase eminate from the machine, I have yet to piece together what it actually says (because there is no way a random rhythm game loudly exclaims GANGBANG every time a player steps up to the pads). Yet, this phrase "gangbang" does describe in many ways the subjective experience of interracting with PIU's machine. Bright lights strobe, EDM drum and bass immediately blast from the speakers less than three feet from your head. As you tap in to start the round a scantily clad anime girl in the most reediest of voice drones ~HeLlO EvErYOone!!!~
But the most gangbangerly (pardon me) experience that achieves ultimate ecstasy for me (that keeps me coming back over and over again) is the machine's combination of music, visuals, and machine. The history of rhythm game music is vast and PIU's (short for Pump it Up) song selection does not dissapoint: with PIU having been out for 25 years, many incredible bangers and accompanying animated music videos have been licensed for the game. Principally, the one I am most obsessed with, because of its Boys Love content, is: Tatsh's Silver Beat.
See the image below to view evidence of me holding the current highscore for single 16 on my local machine.
This song's music video is basically a running check list of BL visual requirements stripped of narrative information, but supremely heightened by the experience of slamming your little toes down onto flashing arrows as Pefects! build up, meaning you are closer and closer to total synthetic convergence of machine, BL fantasy, music, and stardom (as a 9 year old's mom watches with trepidation as a sweat-soaked 20 year-old on Sunday at 1PM flails around at a public bowling alley). Here is a link to a video a friend made of me dancing so you get the picture. Here are some stills from Silver Beat's music video that will clue you in to its intense evocation of BL beautiful boy aesthetics.
Just wanted to share lil bit about this hobby of mine and my love of this song on the machine. Happy to have started a blog and hope to share more regularly around these parts. Also, if you'd like to play this song it is in the little jukebox at the bottom left under "Tatsh- Silver Beat". Maybe my next blog post will be a complete break down of every still in Silver Beat's amv... or more on subjective/affective experience of piu...